4.
the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.:
the harsh discipline of poverty.
I recently realized that I don't like the word "discipline." I'm still coming to grips with this realization (because no good Christian wants to admit that s/he doesn't like discipline, obviously). It takes me back to my years of childhood when almost every wrong deed/"tone" or even my siblings' wrong deeds resulted in a screaming session, spanking, smack, pinch on the arm, spoonfuls of vinegar, water squirted in my face, not getting to go places or see my friends, having my favorite books taken away, etc. It makes me fearful inside and summons that horrid feeling of knots in my stomach that makes me want to instantly flee and run onto the next thing that won't make me feel uncomfortable.
Before getting "disciplined," my parents always made me recite Ephesians 6:1: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." I think that in my mind, this correction made me think of God's discipline in the same way. As long as I did everything right and followed all of the rules and behaved perfectly and made Jesus look good in front of other people, He was happy with me and loved me and hugged me and had no problems with me. But if I messed up, He would ignore me, yell at me, and act passive aggressively, among other antics. I've always equated being disciplined to being bad or getting on somebody's nerves. I had no reason to believe otherwise at the time.
But over the past year, as I've gotten into the Word more, I've been seeing that Jesus obviously sees discipline differently than most of us do. He does it out of perfect love, so there's no fear or anger in tandem with it. There's a ton of verses about discipline, but I love these from Hebrews:
"And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:
'My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the LORD loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives.'
If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."
Hebrews 12:5-11 (NKJV)
This is still something that's really difficult for me to sort out mentally, so my thoughts are incomplete. I'm still learning exactly what discipline looks like, especially since Jesus disciplines each person in a different way (and I'm not entirely sure that I can always differentiate between a trial and discipline from the Lord). Theoretically, I know that discipline is all great in the long run, and I've asked for it multiple times. But the process is the difficult part for me. Maybe it's easier for other people; I don't know. I just see the way I am now, dislike it, desire change, and ask for Jesus to burn out the impurities. I only see the end result - beaming gold, without any regard to the refining process in between the old Kimberlee and the new Kimberlee. Call me a moron. Or idealistic.
For me, I feel like the thing I've been disciplined in the most is my trust in the Lord. I don't trust anybody easily, even Jesus. I'll think that I'm at this deep level, and it turns out that I've been holding others out at arms' length. So last year, I was all excited to go deeper in my relationship with the Lord. I had this image of a super spiritual me, again with no regard to the process in between that led to that result (which I've now realized is my thought pattern when it comes to pretty much everything - another story for another day). I kept asking Holy Spirit to discipline me and I insisted that I wanted to trust Him more and go deeper in Him (there's something to be said for asking for things out of ignorance or misplaced motives). The summer of 2014 was easy. I thought I was deep. The autumn of 2014 was also easy. I still thought I was deeper than what I actually was. But starting in about December 2014 until now, things got really rough.
Finances were the first thing to go. Since I was 12 years old, I've always had a job. I started delivering newspapers with my mom and sister, and from there, I babysat, petsat, taught piano, blogged, worked retail and food service and so much more; often simultaneously. I was hardly ever short of cash. I could always pay for my own gas, food and hair products; a plus, since my dad was the sole breadwinner in the house, and money was tight more often than not. I almost never had to ask anybody for money, and even if I was short on cash, I knew that I would soon have more. I was self-sufficient. I paid for most of my own textbooks and classes at MC. I had no worries.
But once I transferred to UMBC, I had to stop working at my retail job and stop teaching piano. The only job I kept was an assistant teaching position, which didn't pay very much or very regularly (twice per school year). I had to take out loans to pay for school and rent for my apartment on campus. I had to constantly ask my parents for gas money because I drove so much during the week. My parents and brother incessantly nagged at me to find a job (which was problematic because I could never get hired). I felt like (and still do feel like) such a financial burden because I no longer pulled my weight, fiscally speaking. And then one by one, all of my friends and family seemed to be getting new jobs. My sister was offered a training position where she works. My brother acquired more clients for his burgeoning lawn mowing business. And my friends all changed jobs that paid even more. All while I was trying to figure out how I'd even get food, or ration gas so that I had enough fuel for the week. I felt helpless and paralyzed inside - no matter where I applied, I either never even got to the interviewing stage, or the interviews went great, and I was still refused anything. It seemed like I was unwanted everywhere I turned.
Recently, somebody gave me a word that I'd get a new, long-term position, and while outwardly I said that I received it, I don't know that I was entirely truthful. I admitted as much when I was talking to Jesus the other day. It certainly doesn't seem like any new position is brewing for me. I can't see it, and I don't know that I believe it. I hate not ever having enough money, having to ask people for things, and forcing myself to pretend that it doesn't bother me that everybody else is finding success job-hunting while I keep hitting duds. But I guess this is part of the process. I asked for this, but I just didn't realize that it would hurt this much. I love the idea of trust, but I don't think my heart is in the right place to trust fully just yet, or even to find joy in the process of learning to trust and have faith. Then I feel bad that I don't believe, but I want to. I don't want to disbelieve God and His love and His promises for me, because He is a good father. But I'm seriously struggling! What do I even do with that? I don't even know. And then what if I do eventually find a job, and I'm still in this place of not trusting? I feel like I'm not making any progress and am going to be working through this for forever. I know that's an exaggeration and nothing is forever (well...except heaven and hell), but it feels like it in the moment, in the waiting during this whole ordeal.
No comments:
Post a Comment